I feel great
I just peed on a car
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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