I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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