He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
