i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
