For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
