this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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