The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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