You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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