it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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