Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
