life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
