I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
