they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
