Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you would pick up someone in the library
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
