I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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