I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
