Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's never too late to be topless.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
