My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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