I think my fart just growled at me.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
