I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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