happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
