Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
