Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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