captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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