yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
