I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
