I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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