'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
