I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
