The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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