If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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