just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
