my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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