you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
