People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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