Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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