god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He is an equal opportunity slut.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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