I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My vagina is very pro this idea
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
