Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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