Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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