but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
