hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
