Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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