Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
