we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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