Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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