That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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