I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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