I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
