When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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