Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
