Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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