I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
