Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
