biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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