where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
