cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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